Controlled Separation FAQs

Q.How does CS work if there has been infidelity?

A. CS is a SELF-SELECTED voluntary process that the couple must choose for themselves. If one partner is not willing to participate, there can be no agreement. However, if the unfaithful partner is willing to give it a try, suspend the other relationship and agree on the issues needed for a CS, it may proceed. The time out offered by the CS, without the pressure of legal finality hanging over them, may service as a practice period for single life and life after disruption of the family, which could potentially conclude in a reunion of the couple.

Q. How important is physical separation to making this work, i.e. same house or same property (guest house) – is that distant enough to do a CS®?

A. A guest house would be appropriate. The most important thing in an in-house separation is for partners to respect their physical and emotional distance. Within two/three months a safe time has been established whereby conflicted issues can be addressed calmly with a positive focus on resolution of their differences.Q. How does this work if there is infidelity?

Q. Have you ever had couples decide to share the house one or two weeks at a time while the other moved out?

A. Really, any and all variations of living arrangements have been used and are appropriate under two conditions: 1) The children’s welfare comes first! and 2) The couple must mutually agree to the arrangements.

Q. If one doesn’t move out isn’t this very confusing to the kids?

A. In-house separations require even more attention to the rules and boundaries for the on-going relationship. The coach will help the couple get very concrete about what behavior is acceptable and when and where within the home. The whole thing may be confusing to the children. It is important as a couple to talk this over and help the children understand as best they can given their developmental stage.

Q. Can this work if the couple is already separated?

A. Absolutely. The couple’s trial separation is usually quite vague. CS will provide order and structure to what would otherwise be a chaotic and destructive period in a couple’s marriage. The issues included in a CS. contract are valuable fodder for critical discussions that can lead to saving the marriage. it often is ideal in that the couple is already separated and the CS can clean up their agreement, tighten it, and create more structure which can lead to better results. Use the CS Guidelines to negotiate time limits, agree not to divorce during the life of the contract, and address other issues that are muddy.

Q. Best way to tell the children?

A. Together. Work out the script of how and when to tell them together. Deliver it together. Be available together and individually to answer their questions and concerns. Know that this is a defining moment in their lives. Make it as safe for them as possible. They did not ask for this.

Q What happens if at the end of the agreed time, the couple is still not sure which way to go? Can the time limit therefore force a divorce?

A. At the end of the time limit the couple can renegotiate the agreement and extend the contract and time apart. This process is not intended to trap the couples in a corner, but rather to give them the time and structure they need to make sound decisions as to what is best for the marriage and the children.